Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (1)

 

ITS BEEN TWO YEARS

i hate the way you used to hold me 

the way you used to laugh with me 

and most of all i hate the way you used to love me 

part of me thinks i will always love you

all i ask is that you dont forget about me 

please remember more than our bad days 

please hold me in your mind they way your body used to 

even if its from a distance 

even if it buried deep

please

I AM SO SORRY 

for everything.

There’s nothing I could say or do that would fully express how deeply sorry I am. 

It’s been hell living with what I’ve done.

 I’m sorry for what I put you through

 for how horribly I handled everything. 

You were never anything less than everything

I have ever wanted and needed.

I’ve tried

over and over

 to come up with some explanation that could even partly justify my actions. 

But there is none. 

Nothing but selfishness 

and curiosity.

It wasn’t until recently that I admitted it to myself

and truly mourned losing you

Not just as a person,

 but you as my partner,

 my best friend,

 my future.

I imagined a beautiful life with you. 

And part of what breaks my heart

 is knowing you saw it too.

 We always talked about kids,

 our future home,

 and the love that would grow there until the end of time.

I’m able to admit now that this is all on me. 

I messed up. 

And I know there’s no way you could love or trust me again without time.

Since being in Florida, I’ve felt like there’s something missing in my life.

 You.

 I’ve wondered so many times what this chapter would have been like if you were here.

 How it could have gone horribly wrong, and we might have ended in anger and frustration. 

How we might have drifted apart naturally, with time and distance. 

Or how it could have gone perfectly

that we could have had fun and been more in love than ever.

And I’ll always wonder what would have happened

And I try not to dwell on it,

But it’s always on my mind.

All the sleepless nights blend to one

And I don’t remember the last time this silence felt peaceful

 I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad for me,

 but because I know now that I could never take love for granted again.

 I could never take you for granted again.

If we could get back even a fraction of what we had, I would never let it go.

I’m done running.

I’m done searching for meaning in hardship and chaos.

I want something real.

I need something real.

We were real.

So let this serve as my sincerest apology. My final attempt at begging for forgiveness.

And if forgiveness is all you can give me, I’ll accept it, knowing I tried my very best.

But if you want

I still love you.