Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (3)

 THE WEB

I’m wrestling with my past and fighting for my future, all while feeling paralyzed and trapped in the present.

I’m stuck in a web. A web of loss, a web of hope, a web of fear.

The loss of myself. The loss of you.

Hope that things might get better. Hope that, if nothing else, you might find it within yourself to forgive me.

And the Fear that one day, when im walking down the aisle

ill be looking for you 

wishing it was you

Fear that I’ve messed it up so badly that my hope will turn into loss, and this web will hold me forever.

HEARTBROKEN AND HOMESICK 

somehow ive found myself both heartbroken and homesick 

an ache that comes not from what was done to me 

but from what i have done to myself 

born from my own ignorance, pride, and jealousy

from my inability to see the bigger picture 

to speak up when it mattered 

and to be soft and understanding when its needed

 

these are two feeling I’ve always managed to outrun

until now

now they sit on my chest like bricks 

and i think it’s because your gone 

because since you left

i feel it everywhere 

in every room

every street

every moment

all at once 

always 

i am heartbroken 

because i can not come to you and ask for forgiveness 

because i know the moment our eyes meet again

that it wouldn’t mend what i broke so carelessly 

because im stuck cleaning up all the pieces of who we used to be 

trapped in the fallout of my own choices

because i dont know how to show you that i love you

so i dont

and im homesick 

because everything around me feels borrowed 

because i walk through life like a guest in someone else’s story

because I can’t find the road back 

not to you

Not to us

not to who i was

and maybe ive never been homesick from a house 

but for the feeling of our bodies when you held me 

for the warmth of your laugh 

for the safety i didn’t know i had 

and i dont know that you’ll ever see this

or what it would change if you did 

But your with me everywhere  

like a song stuck in my head

like your cologne on that old shirt

like a ghost that cant let go

that doesn't know how to stop 

and now i speak to you in the dark

hoping it will reach you

like a whisper

and maybe 

just for a second 

you’ll listen