Moving On (1)

 NOTE: 

moving on is hard when you’ve never trusted yourself 

when all of your decisions seem to bite you in the ass

When you try to move on and end up right back where you started

when every recovery is followed by relapse 

when the only places you feel safe swallow you whole 

im tired of collecting and putting myself together time after time 

TRUST MYSELF 

Today, i feel okay

for the first time in a long time 

but what’s weighting on me is knowing how easily i could go back 

i forget who i am when im not drowning

im a broken person

who finds comfort in burning houses

Comfort in dark places i can disappear into

I’m tired of starting over 

of resetting the clock 

wishing time would forget me 

tired of believing things could end differently 

theres a never ending staircase in my chest

that always leads back to the basement 

  dark corners i wrap myself in

where no one can find me 

where no one looks 

its lonely being your own worst enemy 

And my Bones ache from carrying the weight of the same regrets

Like a puppet tangled in its own strings 

trapped in the very things that give me life 

i think ive lost part of myself in all of this 

i feel like an echo of who i used to be

A ghost in a mask

a smile

so no one asks questions i can’t answer 

i want to trust that ill hold it together 

That I wouldn’t fall back 

into the same vices 

the same head space 

that I could stay conscious this time 

but i dont 

i dont trust myself to catch me 

when you decide your tired of it 

i dont trust myself not to fall

not to return where pain feels familiar 

to peel back wounds that never healed 

i dont know that ill be strong 

or stay graceful

but ill try again

because i still want more 

i want to believe it will be better 

that there will be a breath of fresh air 

and a hand that won't let go