Personal Pornstar (2)

FOUR TIMES

Growing up I wasn’t really allowed to choose 

my crowd or what I wanted

i mean my daddy was preaching 

and all i ever wanted was to make that man proud 

so i hung out with the “good girls” 

the simple ones 

the pretty ones 

the “natural ones” 

with beautifully glossed lips and manicured nails 

the ones all the boys wanted 

if only he knew the devil in these girls 

the one in me 

its what we had though

And we held it together very well

stage ready at all times

i wanted to be something that all of the boys wanted 

but could never have 

my parents held my reins very tightly 

and im not necessarily upset about that

but i had never been with a man alone 

they were always there 

everyone on their best behavior 

but it was always because 

i was going to

let them louch me 

let them have me 

i was forced to believe that 

women are only really touched when they let it happen 

like my body would betray me 

I didn’t know they would take so aggressively 

I didn’t know what they would do to me 

i still cant 

i-

I have had really hard time learning this lesson

if you are on object that they want

you don’t have to let them do anything 

because it was the fact that I didn’t wear a bra under my 3xl tshirt that made me irresistible? 

The fact that i had one beer two hours prior? 

I was drunk and tempting you? 

Because i wanted it ? 

Okay

youre right 

you got me 

four times  

In five months?

and the first time 

my first time 

was forced 

And I didn’t really know what sex was 

i was so confused 

i was crying 

there was blood 

everywhere 

theres nothing sexy about that?

And when he was done 

he tossed me a water bottle of liquor 

“you’re gonna have to head out my girls on her way” 

i was 

so embarrassed 

i thought somehow 

someway 

i had invited that? 

I ran into his girl on my way out 

i turned up the water bottle

silence.

the next three times 

I couldn’t tell you their names 

but i see them sometimes 

And the memory overwhelms me 

like its happening all over again

i swear im shedding the same tears 

the memories are frozen into my mind 

perfectly preserved 

everlasting 

my body was once something i looked at lovingly 

like it was sacred 

like anyone who saw me would offer nothing but love 

now it’s haunted by ghosts of people 

who were never invited 

doors with broken latches 

and a mind 

a person

me

shattered 

and at first 

as fucked as this sounds 

it made me less scared of sex 

i guess that’s the church in me 

I started giving myself away 

I thought someone would stay 

But no one did 

And still i kept giving 

as if love could be built on top of my broken pieces

THE PEEL

It’s all coming back 

every

last 

Piece 

clawing up my throat like fire 

like rage that never had a place to go 

and im choking on it7 

all of it 

all of the memories 

the lies 

the taking 

i dont feel real

i feel more like a doll

a prop 

a performance 

for people who only wanted a highlight reel 

not the bleeding 

not the breaking 

They never saw me 

not once 

not really 

they saw what they wanted: 

a pretty girl 

a soft body

and a stupid fucked up sence of silence 

they wanted my innocence 

they were hungry 

and what I didn’t give 

what i couldnt

they took

and believe me i gave so much 

and not because I didn’t know better 

but because i thought that maybe 

just maybe 

if i give enough 

someone will stay 

That someone would see me

someone might love me for more that what’s on the surface 

But they didn’t 

so i changed 

i changed my hair 

my face 

my style 

my personality

i bent til i broke 

peeling away piece after piece 

as if erasing myself would make me worthy 

as if losing myself would make me palatable 

and still

they took 

and took 

and took

even when i said no 

even when i was screaming 

crying 

shaking, begging, bleeding

they kept taking 

as if having this power over me 

would make you a real man 

they wanted the win

to settle a bet 

the soft girl they could use and hang out to dry 

And now 

theres nothing left

so let them take 

let them crawl back with their hungry hands and empty apologies 

i

have 

nothing 

left

i am the peel

wrung out and hollow

not sweet or soft

not the girl you sought out to ruin 

i am what comes after 

the aftermath

the silence after the storm 

you say im cold and distant 

that my walls are too high and too strong 

but where were they when you came to feast

where were they when i was choking on the pieces of myself i handed out like currency 

You say you would love me now 

that you’ll stay

treat me better 

i don’t believe you

i cant 

because once you’ve been torn apart by someone 

who swore they loved you

you stop recognizing love when it finally shows up

so

dont tell me that i am pretty 

or that i seem soft and gentle

dont tell me you see me 

or care 

if you want me now 

I pray 

That you 

 come with more than words 

and with hands that aren’t hungry 

because you don't know what it took to climb out of that grave