Personal Pornstar (3)

 MR. NEW YORK

Today,

for the first time in a long time

you crossed my mind 

and stayed there 

not as a ghost

not as a shadow

but as a real, breathing memory

and more than anything 

I find myself wondering if you are okay

if you’ve found peace in the pain you carried so close to your chest? 

Are you sleeping better? 

Breathing easier? 

Did you finally start showing up for yourself like you always said you would?

I hope so

i hope you’re still making people laugh

especially the pretty girls 

make then feel special 

seen, safe , heard

the way i thought i was 

the truth is that i miss you

i miss what we had 

you were my best friend 

my escape from everything that felt to heavy 

You became my safe place in a world that never seemed to understand 

or try

you never just tolerated me 

but you saw me raw and unfiltered 

you never even flinched 

but that version of us is buried beneath things i wish i could forget

you hurt me 

i cant pretend you didn’t wreck me 

you took things you had no right to

and the worst part 

is you knew what it would do to me 

you held all of my stories in your hands when you did it

i cant forget the way you used me 

how easily you crossed the line 

how you made me question if i had ever drawn one at all

i told you about every fear and every wound 

you promised you never would 

and when you did 

and i told you how badly it hurt me

you didn’t stay

you didn’t try to understand 

you cried 

but not for me 

you ran 

back to New York

like it was your only option

like it was the only place you felt safe from what you had done

i couldnt forgive and forget

But i never wanted you to leave 

i wanted you to hear me 

to take a step back and look at what you did 

to try and understand how deep the damage is 

But maybe leaving was easier than staying to face it

maybe you couldn't handle seeing the person you had made me 

The pieces you helped to shatter 

i fell apart when you left

you were everything and everywhere 

and suddenly 

nowhere and nothing 

just silence 

space 

NOTHING TO YOU

I believed you

i trusted you

handed you my heart like it was indestructible 

like we were 

I gave you all i had to offer 

i twisted myself into any and every shape you desired 

until i was unrecognizable 

but the moment I didn’t bend 

the second i said no 

you were gone 

just like that 

you vanished 

like it was nothing 

like i was nothing 

and that’s when the truth came crashing in 

i was wrong 

it was never real to you

i was never real to you

you left me shattered

splinters of my soul still calling your name 

you left me 

when i needed you most

when i was on my final thread of hope

i thought you understood me 

i thought i mattered 

i thought i was more than just a pause between your storms

but how was i so blind 

were all of the late-night talks silence in disguise 

was every story, every heartbeat

a new line you’d soon forget 

your lips said love 

you hands said leave 

your presence came with promises 

as your absence came with the truth

maybe i should let it go

pretend it was nothing 

pretend we were nothing

but how could i 

when i gave you all of me 

down to my very last breath

i only ever said no once 

you didn’t know what that meant

and somehow 

that was enough to make me nothing to you