Personal Pornstar (4)

 TO MY “PROTECTORS” 

You had me so convinced that no one would ever love me if I let anyone in who wasn’t my husband touch me.
You made me believe that my worth,my value as a human being

was tied to something that was supposed to be sacred. Something meant only for the man who would love me forever, no matter what.

You tied my value to an act.
An act that I didn’t even have the choice to protect.
A piece of myself that someone took 

you made me believe it was my fault.

You made me think that once that part of me was gone, I was too.
You made me believe I was ruined.

You scared me into shutting down 

Into becoming small, quiet, obedient. 

I tried to be good. 

Safe. 

Invisible.
But it didn’t work.
That fear you planted in me? 

They could smell it.

 The silence, the shame

it made me a target.
No matter who I talked to, there was always this pressure

to be sexual, to give in, to not say no.

And when they started pushing harder, forcing themselves in

I froze.
The first time it happened

I didn’t even cry

I was too embarrassed. Too numb.
somehow, I thought it was my fault.

Because when I spoke up, it was:
“Who else was there?”
“Were you drinking?”
“Using any drugs?”
“What were you wearing again?”
“You were probably flirting. You think he’s cute, right?”
“Was it good, at least?”

I’ve been sexualized for as long as I can remember. And I don’t know why.
I’ve always felt like a ticking time bomb

like everyone was just waiting for the moment I’d explode into the thing you were all so sure I was going to become.


And Now 

when a man looks at me, I don’t see curiosity or kindness

I assume he’s undressing me with his eyes

imagining me in his bed.

And i came to you.
I asked for help. 

begged for it.
I trusted you.

And you didn’t protect me.
You didn’t believe me.
You made me a liar.

So now, I’m left carrying the weight of what was done to me
 so tired.
So tired of being silent.
So tired of being afraid.


AFTER EVERYTHING

I used to whisper 

“someone will love me”

but now 

it’s quieter 

sharper

a promise 

“i will love my own goddammed self”

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