Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (2)

 

LOVE YOU 

I’ve never been at a point in my life where having a partner felt possible.

 Seeing that I've planned my life out to forty, with no mention of a partner.

But now, looking ahead, I don’t want to be alone.

And After meeting you

moving forward without you feels wrong.

When I look at you,
I don’t want to just ask how you slept;

I want to kiss you awake every morning.
I don’t want to simply ask about your day; 

I want to sit beside you with our feet on the coffee table, sharing a play-by-play of every moment.
I don’t want to just hear about all the places you want to go;

I want to hold your hand as we explore them together.
And I certainly don’t want to hear your hopes and dreams 

unless I can stand beside you as you accomplish every one.

All of this to say:

When you touch me, it takes my breath away.
When you look at me, the entire world melts away.
When you smile, I can’t help but smile back.
When you hold me, I feel so safe.
And when you kiss me, I never want it to stop.

 More than your perfect body, with its constellations of freckles
more than your eyes, that hold oceans
it’s your soul that undoes me.

It’s your soul that feels pure.
So lovely.
So good.

I don’t even have the words for it.
You radiate something I’ve never felt before.
And I don’t want to lose it.

I can’t see the future.
But if I could and I saw you there
I wouldn’t be surprised.

MAYBE 

Maybe I’m not the person I used to be. And maybe what you're looking for isn’t here anymore.

When I think about everything we were, I wonder—could we still love each other?

I’ve turned it over in my mind again and again. I can’t go back to who I was. Honestly, I don’t even remember that version of me.

I don’t remember myself.
I don’t remember how we spoke to each other.
And worst of all

 I don’t remember us.

All I have left are photos and scattered memories.

I could never forget you

or what we had

or the pure joy I felt with you.
That city only brings me pain now.

 And yet, I was so happy there.
Why does happiness hurt so much in hindsight?

I’ve spent countless hours alone with my thoughts, feeling every ounce of the hurt.
Pain in every fiber of my being.

But what if feeling it all

sitting with it, 

facing it

is how you heal?
What if this is what starting over looks like?

Maybe this all happened because I needed to change.
To sit with my guilt. To clean up the messes I made.

I’m a better person now

still lost, still wandering.
Still hurting, still confused.
But I’ve grown.

I can be better for you 

better to you

When I look in the mirror, I finally see myself for who I really am.
But I’ve changed so much. 

And after all this time, 

I don’t know if I’m still the person you once loved.

I don’t know if you could still love me

We’ve both grown

individually,

 inwardly.
But if you really think about who we were together

And If we’ve grown so far apart that we can’t find our way back

then let it be.
Let the bridge burn.

 Let us fade to a memory. 

Still, I miss you

. Maybe that’s selfish.
But part of me believes we could have it all again.
That we could find each other

different, better.

It feels wrong not to hold on to hope. Doesn’t it?

There’s still hope. I think.
Maybe it’ll never be the same, and I understand that.
But isn’t change sometimes the very thing that saves us?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It’s Cold In Florida

 This is a three part collection  On heartbreak, abuse, and the slow Brutal act of moving forward.  These are apologies i never gave,  prayers no one answered,  and the wars i still fight in silence There is no comfort here  No neat ending  I’m writing from the middle of the storm.  Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me  These are words left unsaid,  Apologies i never got to say,  And a confession of selfishness and ignorance  To the only man I’ve ever loved.  Enjoy my word vomit. 
Read more

Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (1)

  ITS BEEN TWO YEARS i hate the way you used to hold me  the way you used to laugh with me  and most of all i hate the way you used to love me  part of me thinks i will always love you all i ask is that you dont forget about me  please remember more than our bad days  please hold me in your mind they way your body used to  even if its from a distance  even if it buried deep please I AM SO SORRY   for everything. There’s nothing I could say or do that would fully express how deeply sorry I am.  It’s been hell living with what I’ve done.  I’m sorry for what I put you through  for how horribly I handled everything.  You were never anything less than everything I have ever wanted and needed. I’ve tried over and over  to come up with some explanation that could even partly justify my actions.  But there is none.  Nothing but selfishness  and curiosity. It wasn’t until recently that I admitted it to myself an...
Read more

Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (3)

  THE WEB I’m wrestling with my past and fighting for my future, all while feeling paralyzed and trapped in the present. I’m stuck in a web. A web of loss, a web of hope, a web of fear. The loss of myself. The loss of you. Hope that things might get better. Hope that, if nothing else, you might find it within yourself to forgive me. And the Fear that one day, when im walking down the aisle ill be looking for you  wishing it was you Fear that I’ve messed it up so badly that my hope will turn into loss, and this web will hold me forever. HEARTBROKEN AND HOMESICK   somehow ive found myself both heartbroken and homesick  an ache that comes not from what was done to me  but from what i have done to myself  born from my own ignorance, pride, and jealousy from my inability to see the bigger picture  to speak up when it mattered  and to be soft and understanding when its needed   these are two feeling I’ve always managed to outrun until now now they ...
Read more