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Personal Pornstar (1)

  NOTE:  Before you get excited,  this isn't erotica  This is my story this is my voice  my collection of unsaid and unanswered prayers this is the end of my silence because my body became a battlefield  long before it had a chance to be a home  ENVY THE BROKEN  I envy the ones who leave this world with their hearts still whole untouched by betrayal, unshaken by the kind of pain that tears you open and leaves you bleeding in silence. I envy those who’ve never had anything stolen from them. Whose love wasn’t taken used, discarded, forgotten. The ones who fall in love and stay there. Who walk freely, lightly, without ghosts gripping at their heels. They don’t lie awake at night, replaying the wreckage, sifting through memories like shards of glass wondering if they’ll ever be lovable again. Their walls aren’t fortresses. Their smiles don’t tremble. Their touch isn’t hesitant. Their hearts don’t hide. I would never envy the broken. Because I know how...
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Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (2)

  LOVE YOU  I’ve never been at a point in my life where having a partner felt possible.  Seeing that I've planned my life out to forty, with no mention of a partner. But now, looking ahead, I don’t want to be alone. And After meeting you moving forward without you feels wrong. When I look at you, I don’t want to just ask how you slept; I want to kiss you awake every morning. I don’t want to simply ask about your day;  I want to sit beside you with our feet on the coffee table, sharing a play-by-play of every moment. I don’t want to just hear about all the places you want to go; I want to hold your hand as we explore them together. And I certainly don’t want to hear your hopes and dreams  unless I can stand beside you as you accomplish every one. All of this to say: When you touch me, it takes my breath away. When you look at me, the entire world melts away. When you smile, I can’t help but smile back. When you hold me, I feel so safe. And when you kiss me, I n...
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Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me (1)

  ITS BEEN TWO YEARS i hate the way you used to hold me  the way you used to laugh with me  and most of all i hate the way you used to love me  part of me thinks i will always love you all i ask is that you dont forget about me  please remember more than our bad days  please hold me in your mind they way your body used to  even if its from a distance  even if it buried deep please I AM SO SORRY   for everything. There’s nothing I could say or do that would fully express how deeply sorry I am.  It’s been hell living with what I’ve done.  I’m sorry for what I put you through  for how horribly I handled everything.  You were never anything less than everything I have ever wanted and needed. I’ve tried over and over  to come up with some explanation that could even partly justify my actions.  But there is none.  Nothing but selfishness  and curiosity. It wasn’t until recently that I admitted it to myself an...
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Personal Pornstar (4)

  TO MY “PROTECTORS”  You had me so convinced that no one would ever love me if I let anyone in who wasn’t my husband touch me. You made me believe that my worth,my value as a human being was tied to something that was supposed to be sacred. Something meant only for the man who would love me forever, no matter what. You tied my value to an act. An act that I didn’t even have the choice to protect. A piece of myself that someone took  you made me believe it was my fault. You made me think that once that part of me was gone, I was too. You made me believe I was ruined. You scared me into shutting down  Into becoming small, quiet, obedient.  I tried to be good.  Safe.  Invisible. But it didn’t work. That fear you planted in me?  They could smell it.  The silence, the shame it made me a target. No matter who I talked to, there was always this pressure to be sexual, to give in, to not say no. And when they started pushing harder, forcing themselve...
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It’s Cold In Florida

 This is a three part collection  On heartbreak, abuse, and the slow Brutal act of moving forward.  These are apologies i never gave,  prayers no one answered,  and the wars i still fight in silence There is no comfort here  No neat ending  I’m writing from the middle of the storm.  Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me  These are words left unsaid,  Apologies i never got to say,  And a confession of selfishness and ignorance  To the only man I’ve ever loved.  Enjoy my word vomit. 
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