The Things We Can’t Say Out Loud

  ITS BEEN TWO YEARS i hate the way you used to hold me  the way you used to laugh with me  and most of all i hate the way you used to love me  part of me thinks i will always love you all i ask is that you dont forget about me  please remember more than our bad days  please hold me in your mind they way your body used to  even if its from a distance  even if it buried deep please I AM SO SORRY   for everything. There’s nothing I could say or do that would fully express how deeply sorry I am.  It’s been hell living with what I’ve done.  I’m sorry for what I put you through  for how horribly I handled everything.  You were never anything less than everything I have ever wanted and needed. I’ve tried over and over  to come up with some explanation that could even partly justify my actions.  But there is none.  Nothing but selfishness  and curiosity. It wasn’t until recently that I admitted it to myself an...

  TO MY “PROTECTORS”  You had me so convinced that no one would ever love me if I let anyone in who wasn’t my husband touch me. You made me believe that my worth,my value as a human being was tied to something that was supposed to be sacred. Something meant only for the man who would love me forever, no matter what. You tied my value to an act. An act that I didn’t even have the choice to protect. A piece of myself that someone took  you made me believe it was my fault. You made me think that once that part of me was gone, I was too. You made me believe I was ruined. You scared me into shutting down  Into becoming small, quiet, obedient.  I tried to be good.  Safe.  Invisible. But it didn’t work. That fear you planted in me?  They could smell it.  The silence, the shame it made me a target. No matter who I talked to, there was always this pressure to be sexual, to give in, to not say no. And when they started pushing harder, forcing themselve...

 This is a three part collection  On heartbreak, abuse, and the slow Brutal act of moving forward.  These are apologies i never gave,  prayers no one answered,  and the wars i still fight in silence There is no comfort here  No neat ending  I’m writing from the middle of the storm.  Letters to Someone Who Used to Love Me  These are words left unsaid,  Apologies i never got to say,  And a confession of selfishness and ignorance  To the only man I’ve ever loved.  Enjoy my word vomit. 

 NOTE:  moving on is hard when you’ve never trusted yourself  when all of your decisions seem to bite you in the ass When you try to move on and end up right back where you started when every recovery is followed by relapse  when the only places you feel safe swallow you whole  im tired of collecting and putting myself together time after time  TRUST MYSELF   Today, i feel okay for the first time in a long time  but what’s weighting on me is knowing how easily i could go back  i forget who i am when im not drowning im a broken person who finds comfort in burning houses Comfort in dark places i can disappear into I’m tired of starting over  of resetting the clock  wishing time would forget me  tired of believing things could end differently  theres a never ending staircase in my chest that always leads back to the basement    dark corners i wrap myself in where no one can find me  where no one looks...

  MR. NEW YORK Today, for the first time in a long time you crossed my mind  and stayed there  not as a ghost not as a shadow but as a real, breathing memory and more than anything  I find myself wondering if you are okay if you’ve found peace in the pain you carried so close to your chest?  Are you sleeping better?  Breathing easier?  Did you finally start showing up for yourself like you always said you would? I hope so i hope you’re still making people laugh especially the pretty girls  make then feel special  seen, safe , heard the way i thought i was  the truth is that i miss you i miss what we had  you were my best friend  my escape from everything that felt to heavy  You became my safe place in a world that never seemed to understand  or try you never just tolerated me  but you saw me raw and unfiltered  you never even flinched  but that version of us is buried beneath things i wish i could forge...